Our Road to Baby Four:)

If you haven't heard the big news, we are so excited to be welcoming baby number #4 to our house early next year!  Now, I wanted to share a little back story to this pregnancy as it has been a little bit of a bumpier road for us than our first three pregnancy journeys.  It's one I wouldn't trade for anything because of the blessing that will be at the end, but it was not as smooth a road to ride on this time, the fourth time around.  This time, our journey has been filled with moments of patience, moments of hope and finally, a true moment of joy.  

I have to tell you, thankfully, that all three of my previous pregnancies were pretty easy.  Honestly, we didn't really have to think too much about getting pregnant because before we even knew it, there was a positive pregnancy test sitting on my bathroom counter.  Although I was tired and nauseous, there was really no complications or concerns with all three of my earlier pregnancies.  All three were born on time, at a healthy weight & sweet as can be.  

We have pretty much known that we may always try for number four, but honestly we wanted to wait for the right timing.  We knew we weren't ready when Abby turned one.  We felt a little more sure when Abby turned two, but my husband was finishing up a fellowship for work & we knew we had a big move coming up (we were just unsure if this would be a big move across town or a big move across the country!), so we waited.  We have moved a lot in the past ten years & I know it's not easy, so we made a conscious choice to not be pregnant, moving, & have three young children at home.  He ended up taking a full-time position right here where we were located, near Washington DC, & we ended up relocating right across town.  Once we settled into our new house and he was happily settled into his new job, we decided that it may be time for baby number four.  We were feeling ready or as ready as you can feel, right!?

A couple months later, we were overjoyed to see another positive pregnancy test, awaiting our attention on the bathroom counter.  Here we go again, we thought!  Well...a little over one week later, I was out running errands when I knew something was wrong.  This was the beginning of our first miscarriage.  I know that miscarriage happens & happens more often than people think.  And though it's never easy to go through,  I thought that maybe this was my time.  I guess it was my time to be part of this percentage.  It's okay, I can do this and I  can be strong.  We didn't tell anyone besides my mom & instead of dwelling on the past, we decided to look ahead.  We took some time off from trying and actually enjoyed some great travel adventures in the fall, drinks in hands with family and friends by our side.

Fast forward until the new year, where we were once again overjoyed to see yet another positive pregnancy test in January.  Here we go again, we thought, although I was a bit more cautious with my excitement and joy based on the miscarriage that happened just a few months before.  Yes, I was nervous but I felt oh so pregnant.  I was nauseous.  I was tired.  Everything you would describe in a  first pregnancy, I felt it.  I headed into my first OB appointment at eight weeks & as soon as they pulled the ultrasound up on the screen, I knew something wasn't right.  Yes, there was a heartbeat but something didn't look right.  As gentle as my doctor could be, he pretty much said that either our dates were wrong or something was going wrong with this pregnancy.  But since there was a heartbeat, he says let's be optimistic and see you in a week.  In my head, right then, I knew something was wrong.  I went home and of course went to the one place you should't look at, Google.  I was discouraged and defeated after spending hours of reading online, story after story of miscarriage.  I lived a week of anxiety and sadness, mixed in with a little bit of hope, but just kept pushing through.  My kids needed me & as a mom to three little ones, you often have to put your own concerns on the back burner to get through the day.

One week later, I was back in the OB's office.  This time, there was no heartbeat.  Nothing.  Not a sound.  It was tough, like real tough.  I tried to hold my tears in & stay as strong as I could my doctor's office, but I left the office feeling crushed.  Honestly, I'm not one to get defeated.  Anyone that knows me knows that I am the one to put on a happy face, stay encouraged, & look for the bright side in all situations.  I am also a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and this time, I couldn't quite figure out why this happened again.  I was truly crushed.  

What was the reason behind this?  I didn't know if it was just bad luck or was there something wrong with my body.  Not only did I worry about the physical problems that may be happening, I struggled emotionally.  I thought and thought and thought about the "why?"  Is there a reason this keeps happening?  Do I hold my head up strong & try again?   Or is it time to say that we are good with three & three it will be?  I spent a lot of time trying to figure out the "why?".  And all honesty, I already know that so many things happen in our life and we don't know why, but we just have to hold our faith strong and realize that there is a plan for us out there.  Embrace the road that lies ahead, no matter what it will be.  So I was trying to be strong & embrace this philosophy that I have held dear to my heart for so many years.

During this time, I felt like I lost a little of my mom mojo, but I pushed through because that's what we do as moms.  I was still feeling blessed to even go through what I have been going through because there are so many people that can't get pregnant and struggle with infertility for years.  So yes, it was a sad moment but I knew I had three little blessings in front of me and I couldn't be more thankful for the lives that I have to take care of.  As moms, we choose to stay strong, seek goodness, & keep smiling no matter what life throws at us.  Not just for ourselves, but because of those sweet little faces that call us mom.  So as much as I was down, I tried to hold my head strong and be grateful.   

After two miscarriages in six months, I wasn't sure if I honestly was going to try again.  I am happy with the three wonderful kids I have that I didn't want to just keep trying, just to keep trying.  I was happy & blessed and honestly, I was pretty content in life.  I honestly let the trying for number four go.  It is what it is and if it's meant to be, it will happen.  Honestly, we just stopped talking about it or thinking about it.  We weren't not trying, but we weren't trying.  It wasn't really discussed & we just went on with life as usual, which is a little chaotic with three kids, between baseball practices, school drop-offs, swim lessons, and more.

Fast forward to May, I had just enjoyed a wonderful girls' weekend with a dear friend and I just knew that something didn't feel quite right.  I had that pregnant feeling, but I didn't have the heart to take a test yet because I was afraid to see a positive.  I waited and waited and waited.  I think I was close to six weeks before I actually took the test and there it was, a positive.  I told my husband about our little "surprise", but it was an anxious celebration"and we decided to keep it on the down low.  My doctor took me in right away, due to the previous miscarriages, and there the baby was.  A little tiny baby with a fast little heartbeat, but both my doctor and I knew that although this was a good sign, we shouldn't get too hopeful.  I felt nauseous & I felt exhausted, but I kept my emotions to myself.  I was scared to even talk about being pregnant, because I was afraid the more I talked about it, then the more real it would become.  And the more real it would become, Ithe more devastated I would be if another miscarriage happened.  So I waited & waited without talking about being pregnant with anyone, including my husband.  Besides my husband and mother, we told no one and honestly, I tried to push all my thoughts and emotions to the back of my mind just waiting out the time.  To me, I just wanted to push through and hope for the best on my own.  At eight weeks, another ultrasound and another fast little heartbeat and the baby measured fine.  But again, we waited and waited with hesitation.  Again, we didn't talk pregnancy symptoms & continued to tell no one.  Three more weeks went by and there was the baby's heartbeat again.  Everything measured on track and now, it's starting to feel more real but again, I am anxious.  Yes, it was beginning to feel real but I was still hesitant.  So we waited a little longer and finally at thirteen weeks, I went in for the end of first trimester ultrasound, & again...there has been healthy growth & one sweet little happy heartbeat.

So here we are now here entering the second trimester with this little baby and I couldn't be more overjoyed.  Just over a year later from when we started this journey, we couldn't feel more joyful to share our news.  We told the kids this past Sunday and they couldn't be more excited.  Honestly, we may have waited to tell another week or two, but little Abby Lou can't seem to keep a secret and started telling as quickly as she found out:)  We told our friends and family earlier this week & I am so blessed by the support that they have given us.  It was not quite the road I envisioned for this journey, and definitely longer than I planned on, but it's our story and I couldn't be more thankful for the journey that it has been.  It wasn't easy & at times, it brought incredible heartache, but I feel blessed and thankful.  And more excited than ever to welcome this sweet baby to our family in January.